waiting and praying

this is my confession, since i've been here, at this institution for about half a year........

seriously, i don't feel really happy at all...........i was pretending to be that........and i'm tired of it................

yes, i look like a happy-go-lucky person....yes, it seems like i can get along with everybody else.....
but that's just on the outside............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


i'm very sorry for what i'm about to say.........well, this is my blog anyway, actually i don't have to apologize to anyone, but then i still want to express my feeling in a way that no one would get offended and of course to explain all my weird actions that happen recently............



i was extremely sad that i can't find a soul mate, not a lover.......(for god's sake, i'm not that desperate you know.......=.='')..........a friend who will really be there for me, i don't have high expectation like that ideal friend of mine who i longed for need to do my homework or do my laundries when i'm ill, or would lend me money if i'm broke...........haha..........(what was i thinking.......well, actually that would be great if i ever have a friend like this, but pity that so-call ideal friend of mine..........i would not ever take advantage of some one like this....NO WAY................i treat everyone humanely....LOL.......not an object.........)



i would really want a friend who will just sit down and listen to every word that i'm saying.......a friend who can talk heart-to-heart with me...........................................



please be honest with me.........i would believe every thing you say, if you hold truth to that every word of yours...............................as i've met lots of "fakers" here, (well, errrmmmm, like i mentioned earlier, sorry for any harsh words that i typed them out)........not just here, also when i was in secondary school......i really do know how to identify those "fakers"................don't think that i'm naive...........urgh!!!! well, just to tell you guys that don't judge a book by its cover, that's all..............sorry, i was kinda pissed off whenever some one told me that i look like an idiot or stupid.............=.=''''''.............. well, i may not have high IQ, but i think i have good EQ............than most of my course mates here.......(like i said, don't you guys get angry 'cause i've warned you guys that i'm going to be "bossy' in my own blog, well, that's my privilege right?? i want to express my own things in my very own ways...........)





there's lots of weirdo-es (haha....i create my own word too............) here in my course........ after some tears that i've shed (well, no one actually seen it...........hoho............except a dear friend from another college who's ermm....... kinda in the same situation like me, i would say..... i even cried twice in front of her...........)..........................................god, i know it's a shame to cried that much in around 6 months studying here......................................but i'm sorry, i really couldn't stand it...............




well, is my request for a true friend really too much??




you guys would say the friend who've seen me cried who be of my choice, so why bother some more...........??

yes, she is indeed a friend who willing to help out................but we are taking different courses, different colleges, rarely meet...........


there's also one dear friend of mine who are taking pharmacy course at private institution, she's been my best friend since we were form 1..........but she's busy too, there's little time for us to phone up each other and chat..........and besides, my semester break is totally different from other institutions............and minimize the chance to meet up..............




.....................i'm seriously lack of true friendship...............lack of love from friends.......................




i admit that i do feel alone............even now, i am blogging this out at my faculty where the cold wind blown through my arms, the shivering of my arms is trying to stop me from blogging this out, but i persistently type them out....word by word..........................







i really need help........................i really do.................................................................i want a true and long lasting friendship.......... sincerity...........no more lies............no more "masked" people here (i created this word...again...)................no more cheating.................please stop it all.............................. i wanted to tell to everyone how i feel, but i'm scared..............scared of making enemies instead of expressing myself, scared of people get scared of me.................scared of everything bad that could possible happen.............



well, if only some one who would think like me...........can understand my feelings............


i still wait for the very day that some one......anyone, would become my true friend.......who i longed for...............




P.S. don't think i'm too emotional, if you were in my situation, you'll know what i meant and would think alike too...........and i'm blogging this out on 26th Nov 2010, 21.57, just three days prior to my birthday, and i know i would have to wait for very long time for my birthday wish to come true.........and i wouldn't want to celebrate it yet.........i don't intend to............i'm not emo, it's just that there's some part of me have gone...........but i will wait for god to do me some miracles........hehe......but i more like free thinker............

i'm so not your toy.....get it??

Love, love is like a stubborn youth
That you'd rather just deny
I'm walking on a broken roof
While I'm looking at the sky

It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

Love, love hides in a smoky light
And I can never find the truth
Boy, your touches leave me mystified
And I wish I could believe in you

Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy



this song......haha......la roux......

XOXOXXXX

lynette yuan

indulgence

i wanna read absalom absalom by william faulkner.........

but nowhere else could find this master piece......in malaysia, of course.....

=='.........how disappointing.......

he's an author who erm......like to depict his gothic nature in his novels......that's what i would describe him......because the story line in that novel is complicated.......well, i understand very well my english level, still not quite satisfy with it..........but somehow i wanna give myself some challenges......by reading it....

when i was young, i disliked reading those thick thick novels....argh......so frustrating when your parents forced you to do so.......i would prefer to goof around my house, or window shopping will do it!!!!!!! but people do change...........at first i was attracted to those motivation-type of books, they acted like brain-washers for me back then.......when i was still studying form 6.......i just can't figure it out......how such "philosophy" felt so captivating for me.......not because i was lazy, maybe it was because i was so lost back then..........without any guidance...

ok......thanks to mr.chandler here......for leading me out of the darkness....(it's seems like i've been traumatised badly when in form 6.....now i don't wanna touch any academic stuffs....temporarily....)

besides that, i love all those lemony snickets' books of tragedies.....haha......series of unfortunate events......where the three childrens of the Boudelairs ( i hope i spelled it right) facing troubles caused by the Count.... (shoot...i forgot the name, because i read it a long time ago...)

don't say i'm a bookworm or even a nerd or pedantic.....

sometimes, reading can be an indulgence.....

bon appetit

went back to my kampung, need to finish those praying rituals to my deceased grandpa.......need to go back for 7 weeks, according to chinese custom of 7/7/49.........(haha.....it's funny to type it out.........) i'm willing to go back, which took about 2 hours ride........

most of the relatives back there also went too.......but lack of spirit........seems like they still bothered by his absence.........

it's not like i really like them, what i mean is that they still mourn......(why don't you just get over it........kinda feel sick when you behave like that........must cheer up!!!!!!! ) so, the atmosphere is sooooooooo dark and gloomy.........haiz.......

after placing joss sticks, it was time for dinner......and what do you expect????? big juicy chicken, thick thick abalone, 佛跳墙 all those luxurious food????????

no!!!!!!!!!! vege!!!!!!!!! all!!!!!!!!! (god, i still wondering how long they gonna torture me......i've been practising that for soooo long )冷笑.......

i wanted to faint......i wanted to order pizza or Mcd or anything else which are not vege..........(*kneeling down and begging*)

and they serve those "totally-freak-me-out" vege.....but they were delicious.......oh my god........oh my heaven......oh my..stinky clothes........oh my odourless contact lens........

oooo....yummmmmmmmyyyyyy..........

i couldn't control myself and asked relatives how to cook them.......and told my mom to jot down.....haha......recipes which worth to pass down from generation to generation....and of course, we enjoyed our meal....chatted like a real big (i mean really big) family......(i know it's impolite to open mouth when eating, but this is exceptional....hehe..)

warmth of a big family.......felt that night.......i think he also felt it too.....

meaningful......

所有的悲伤，总会留下一丝欢乐的线索。
　　所有的遗憾，总会留下一处完美的角落。
　　我在冰封的深海，找寻希望的缺口。
　　却在午夜惊醒时，蓦然瞥见绝美的月光。

i found this in some website.........

just to share with you..........

为什么我们在努力的行走，前方却越来越黑暗，我们要去向哪里？即使是世界上最黑暗的角落，也有愿意照耀着你的星星，带你找到前方的路。

^3^

lynette yuan

gomen nasai..........

oh my.......i've just read some of my older posts and there's a lot of mistakes........

i mean a lot..........

okay, my english is still not very good.......so, if you, readers found any of them, just forgive me....

and pat me on my head, and say: good girl.....i'll treat you sweets if you do better....

oh yeah....i certainly will!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxx lynette yuan *wink*

touching.............

i'm not so into korean drama.....

until now.....under influence of my cousin.....hehe....

a millionaire's first love

awww.........it's so lovely......

and song: gray noise by yeongene is beautiful............

better in time

woke up with heavy heart

can't feel what it's like

until that very moment

i know i gotta stop it

stop it, lynette!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish this pass really quickly

i don't wanna go through this again

torturing

i close my eyes

i close my mind

but my heart has chosen to open, somehow

maturity is still not beyond my grasp

maybe this will help me a little

or maybe it's in the harsh way

anyhow,

i choose to smile,

my vision was blurred.......

stop it~~

now even more blurrrrrrr..........

rational mind told me not to mourn anymore, get over it!!!!!!

stubborn heart refused........

intense heat rushing through my face

it's not a good thing to happen

stop it~~~~~~~~~~

my vision more blur

dripping......the blanket wet

afterwards......i'm getting much better......after blogging this out, i'm okay.........

:)

all will be fine...again.....

white clothes

yellow, sweet smelling chrysanthemums

white and yellow drapes surrounding

chanting and kneeling

joss-sticks

vege served

fresh daisy and bird of paradise which last miraculously for 3 days

intense sadness, felt by all of us

mourning for my beloved grandpa

numb.....can't show much expression that day

but teardrops in silence

supernatural events: toads hopping around, a bat flew in, and crows.......

perhaps they were also mourning....i'm not sure....

see him the very last time.....

told him to go to another world, don't ever look back, because he doesn't belong in this world, not to worry about us, we'll take care of everything....

乾脆裝傻

(errhum....) i wasn't thinking that those fortune telling are entirely true, so....i didn't even bothered by them at all.....until i found this......

變動宮如何走出困境 - 射手篇（參考太陽星座）

【揭開困境】身為一個人，真累！

別看射手座一副瀟灑率性的模樣，其實他心底一直覺得「當個人真累！」。小小年 紀開始，就感受到人生是這樣的苦，體認到現實是多麼束縛與壓力，只是射手會認命的面對一切。若他出身窮困人家，會是心甘情願犧牲自己成全兄長唸書的苦心 蓮，對於必須犧牲這件事，射手一直都非常自覺。

這也是為何當他覺得累了、撐不下去了，便索性來個吊兒郎當、一走了之、或乾脆裝傻……為 什麼他一定要這麼累？為什麼不能都不管？不平衡的射手，乾脆自我放逐，演叛逆角色是他放輕鬆的方式。射手對人生這課題態度太嚴肅了，以致於在用力應付這個 世界之時，非常需要反方向的角色扮演，否則認真栽入人生任務中，他的過度投入真會讓人不勝負荷到發了瘋。射手座需要為自己放個假，戴上痞子或辣妹面具，這 就是他們放假的方式。不過假期有限，他不可能一輩子都耍流氓、扮辣妹，總有一天他會認了，對命運俯首稱臣，這時的他就會力爭上游、回歸正軌，扮演一個超級 正確的角色。

當他下定決心面對人生，但問題又大到不是他能解決的時候，這就是射手座的困境。簡單的人生不是射手的命，他不是過度的幸運就是過度的悲慘，倘若他屬於悲慘這邊，那射手還真是會遇上最奇怪又最不思議的狀況，好比失業又遭到搶劫，繼而生一場病之類……，彷彿生給他的樂觀，為的是不斷考驗著他該怎麼辦。

生活在逆境中，射手往往選擇放空，因為牛角尖是鑽不完的，他太了解人生的苦， 就當成還清業障，認命地一一還清吧。但他的放空，有時看來就是一種擺爛，由於射手內心深處往往抱著「管他的，頂多就是沒命，死了也算一了百了」，所以反而 勇氣十足。射手不是極度悲觀便極度樂觀，多變的人生，使射手座的困境總是來得很突然，一點都沒有預警，一開始他還能忍著，放空嘛，也許逆境很快就過了，所 以總是自我暗示：「一切很快就過去，一定會恢復成老樣子的」，而把焦慮堆在心底。他總在人後焦慮，不想讓人看出他的不快樂，一來覺得丟臉，二來也覺得真的 沒啥大不了，外表裝得一派自在。射手是自殺的高危險群，最有可能在無預警的某一天，承受不了就突然自殺了。

【自我急救術】人間蒸發，享受放縱

人間蒸發吧，什麼都不要想，什麼計畫都不要定，走到那兒是那兒，在遊樂場發一天呆，去教堂聽聖歌，坐在公園看人曬太陽…..。逃吧！這真的是射手最好的急救法，卻也是最讓人詬病的方法。因為一逃就有一堆懸而未決的事沒人處理，別人絕對是焦頭爛額而咒罵不已且一頭霧水哪！

或者，在體能上放縱一下，挑戰終極讓自己大汗淋漓，雲霄飛車、高空彈跳，PUB狂玩，盡情舞動肢體，感受「人生可以不負責任」的快感，抱著「什麼都不想，就是要玩個開心」的打算，徹底放鬆，嚐嚐不顧一切的刺激甚至墮落。他提心吊膽得太久了，必需放下好好休息，讓自己徹底發洩，完全放空。

即便本來心裡已絕望的他，經過一趟放縱，便瞬間又覺得什麼都能接受了。不需要再戰戰兢兢，這讓他覺得得到新生，賺到了新的生命，重新面對人生的痛苦和困難，一切未必會更糟。

【心靈提昇】換一副眼鏡看世界

請體認「人和事情不可能樣樣完美」的事實，如果射手座事事都求十全十美，就是在找自己和別人的麻煩。雖然他不會明明白白挑毛病，但「其實很完美主義」這件事己經造成別人的困擾。

學著寬恕別人，容忍人類的各種缺陷，包括自己的缺陷，是射手深層幫助自我的方法。射手座是個聰明人，具備看透人事物表層的超能力：A貪婪、B笨拙、C虛假、D實在很無聊……，千萬記得，別一時衝動跑去批評別人，否則只會製造痛苦。學會欣賞優點不要老看缺點，學會把缺點也看成可愛，「他虛偽其實是想討好大家」，「他雖自私，若能對世界多點貢獻也不是壞事」。

換一副眼鏡看世界，射手座就可以變身為親切和藹的人，不必因為看透醜惡而痛苦，醜陋也是自然界的常態，跟美麗並存；若能平常心面對人生，自然不需耍無賴當手段、也不需逃跑以求存活了，縱然不因此得救，至少會慢慢成熟長大。

學習重新面對自己和別人，別再把糾正這個世界的錯，當成自己的責任。高道德標準的他其實只是有心無力的個體，就算全盤說出他對這個世界的看法，就算他的哲思如何不切實但鞭辟入裡….，恐怕也只會得到別人哈哈大笑的反應吧？誰會相信痞子或辣妹有內涵呢？射手的外在形象與內在深度落差太大，真的去搞嚴肅反而使他更苦悶。回到當個簡單的人吧，輕輕鬆鬆地，射手才能活得健康快樂！

【如何拯救他】說話算話，少問少要求

面對一個射手座，請給他更多的愛、更多的包容！

他喜歡探究別人的底限，如果情人說我愛你，射手忍不住想考驗對方是否知道何謂 真愛？他太不相信人類了，所以可能動不動鬧分手，直到一次二次三次情人都還在，才願稍稍相信這份愛情的存在。他從不提出自己的觀察結果，一切評量都在他心 底默默進行，不會因為一次沒做好就來質問，也不會因為一次作好就讚美，誰知道是不是巧合？他不輕易批評但也不輕易讚美，只在意你的人格是否值得：「承諾為 何沒做到？」遠比愛不愛他更值得追究，他不會說出對你的感覺，但評分欄裡已經劃下叉叉或圈圈。

他永遠都在觀察別人值不值得信任託付，朋友最好記住自己曾對他說的任何話，因 為他真的記在心裡。不要隨便對一個射手座許下承諾，一旦承諾最好切實做到，這絕對會影響到他和對方的親疏遠近。通常，看起來熱情洋溢的射手，內心寧可選擇 和別人保持若即若離的安全距離，他害怕自己一旦喜歡上別人，投入過多的情感，萬一被辜負會令他更不信任人。

作為他的朋友，請不要再為難他，只要輕描淡寫地提醒他的失誤就好了，因為若他 犯錯會自責得比誰都深。相處時儘量放輕鬆，也不要多問他為什麼，射手座迷糊的外表下凡事可是想得清清楚楚，不需別人插手。他其實是非常社會化的，善於利用 各種社會機制組織做好萬全的預防措施，想和射手座拉近距離，請先想想「你是他哪一種保險，能給他什麼支援？」如果你真要幫他，就必須誠懇對待他，每一次都 說話算話，別有瑕疵，「你上次沒幫我，還要我幫你喔？」，即使是玩笑也會讓他心冷：「現實的人最需要堤防」，就這樣默默地你被他列為拒絕往來戶，恐怕就再 難獲得平反了.

ok.....you know what.....i just can't believe this......that "fortune teller" certainly "knows" me well.....shoot!!!!!! (quite glad someone understand my situation.....).....i will definitely take this advise.....

keep holding on

i believe in science, believe in theories, believe in any outcome from proved experiments...............................but i doubt about gods................................



i'm have a belief of my own.......being a buddhist, i was taught that every followers should only do good to others, and others would do the same to you too, that's karma........but....uuhhh............okay, that's general stuff that everyone should practise that, but seriously........is it true????? do bad people get punished.......not in my case......


i'm not a philantropist......because i've seen a lot of ugly circumstances from the very first day i was born to this world.......those that were only done by mankind......although some are truly decent and kind people, but most of them are just not "humane" anymore to me.........okay, if not including wars, starvation, chaotic political events.....but evilness of mankind has seemed to seep into the young fellow's mind and heart..........(because i felt it when i started elementary school, those biased views and unfair judgement, actually, it's kinda sad that i went through this at a very young age..........)

i wish i'm a pagan................haha....that wouldn't happen because that would offend my parents..........well, let the bygone be bygone..........if it weren't for those nasty stuffs happen to me, i would still be ignorant, it also shape my precocious mind..(i dare to say this though......)

well, i will not lose faith in you, mankind...(or maybe society.....)........i know somewhere out there..... have people who have genuine trust and can really treat all of us as one..........it's maybe just a matter of time i will meet these people............

L.O.L

watched some comedy tv shows.......yup, i did laughed out loud........but come to think of it....i want to give human beings a praise here......haha....


well, i think humour is something that can be learned, some courses about being a comedian also been offered especially in USA.......and tell you something interesting about comedy, it actually can be considered as a form of art, another "master piece" that we created.....don't think that art is only about dancing, poetry, blah blah blah........even comedy is included too!!!! believe me!!!


well, it's more complicated to explain here......and not everybody can be that funny.....(i know it a long long time ago.......argh, do you know how frustrating i am when i have to laugh or even to show a grin because some newly-met friends tell some "dreadful" jokes..........lol.......this is my confession........)..........i didn't want to be mean either....i think that everyone should have experince that.......


there were many times that some of my boy friends (just friends from tuition centre....) were telling jokes...but i just stared at them, didn't even show a grin.......haha...maybe because i was kinda fed up of these stuff.....(actually, i know that they really trying very hard to be funny in front of girls, but erm........they still can learn from their mistakes after that, i think..........lol......)


okay, i just mentioned that everyone can learn to be funny, but for me......i would prefer people who are born funny, so that it would be......erm.....natural, i guess......


do u know that being a comedian is one of the hardest job in the world???


if the people don't laugh at your jokes, you'll only hear sounds of doors opening, people coughing, etc.......in general, silence!!!!!!! this is the silence of death......because you're dead!!!! you just a lousy comedian!!!! that's what others will think of you.........but this is what you should learn......must fail several times before you can get on your feet and become successful.....and everyone will be "wow"........and many people fear public speaking than death!!!!!!!!! this is true.....according to some surveys done.....


humour............well, i don't really think i have one, but i can make them laugh "subconciously"....... i'm not showing off la........just that some of my action can do that, which i have no idea how..........but it would be great to meet some really funny friends!!!!!!!! come to think of this, i really do have......some tuition friends who just become close friends in all of the sudden (which i have no idea about this too...haha....maybe our personalities are compatible??..)......they can make you laugh for making silly things...........and i was having fun time with them!!!!!!!!!

well, it's true some misfortunes can happen to us, but let's just laugh about it, then learn from it, and forget about it............i think it's a great way to live a happy life, feel the joy in our lives, and also enjoy every moment.............so, we do really have to relax at times..........to get back up again next time.........

sharing

Hey!!!!!!!!!!

Just discover (or maybe is rediscover…) great song…..

“break of dawn” by Michael Jackson….

Is relaxing…….so damn chilled………….

King of pop will remain in the heart of people around the world………

Oh..ya….

“why can’t cha let me love ya” by che nelle……

She’s an artist from, originally Malaysia….then migrate to Australia, and finally to new york…..

I just like the bass of the music….

“showtime” from nelly furtado……

Smooth and easy song, which is suitable to listen in occasion………

“goodbye” by curious…..got my attention too….

“heaven on earth” by Britney spears…..(some of you might hate her…..but this song still okay…..i heard it first time in a pub…..)

Oohhhhh……and jamiroquai’s “seven days in sunny june”……I think this is the only good song among his other songs…..

“pure shores” by all saints…….not bad…..reminds me of beach, sands, sea…………

“one more chance” from will.i.am……….i fell in love with this song from the first moment I listen to it…..got a little bit of hip hop element and some Jamaican style…..mixes which turns out to “wow” everybody……

The light hearted song like “animal instinct” from cranberries makes me feel easy going……

Got a little carried away with songs…..just want to share with everyone……

XOXOXOXXXXX

Lynette yuan

worthy sensation...(well, to me..)

Have you have a feeling of sudden sense of melancholy??

Ooiiiii…….not depression!!!! Don’t confuse these two….melancholy means that a feeling of sadness which normal people would feel like in times of war, but the latter one means sort of nervous breakdown….

No……..still not the time for the third world war to come……

It’s just that some songs, novels, or maybe someone’s expression in any form can do that………

Maybe it’s because I’m a sentimental person…..but believe me, some can even cause ice queen or king to have tremendous emotional….. erm….what’s the proper word to use here….ah!!! tremendous emotional provocation!!!!

I wasn’t like that at all…….until I found some “master pieces” that blew me away….

The award winning movie “a.i. intelligent”………steven spielberg is truly a genius…..

Kevin rudolf’s “great escape”……celine dion’s “because you loved me”…..mariah carey’s “h.a.t.e.u.”………duffy’s “warwick avenue” and “stepping stone”…………ne-yo’s “part of the list”…….eric clapton’s “tears in heaven”……..madonna’s “take a bow”………late night alumni’s “meant to be”……

God………

They are all soooooooooooo sad……….i just got this immense feeling which I know I don’t like at all, but somehow I kinda attracted by them……those heavy heart feeling…...and prompted me to beg for more….haha…..i just have no idea why I like these stuff…….(I’m a more happy-go-lucky person according to my horoscope anyway….@@)

And most of these music are in my playlist now…..(lol…)

I know………you’ll think i’m a weirdo……… again………

I’m not a pessimist, I think…..(but one of my senior thinks I am…==’)

Okay, okay…….whatever you think of me, I’ll just accept them la…….ish……

Haha……till then……we’ll meet again……(wait…I was acting strange again…)

dying?

“so happy I could die” by lady gaga…….

I like it…..but I prefer her “I like it rough”, it’s just so cool……I mean the way she express herself with music…….

The song reminds of me when I was still a young ignorant kiddo…..

Although it’s a dance music, but the lyrics kinda mixes my feeling whenever I listen to it…

Honestly!!!!! I would really want to remain as my daddy’s and mommy’s little girl!!!! Awww……they just “sayang” me so much!!!! But my brother interfere…..oohhhh….go away, they are mine…..(this was my thought when I was young…haha…silly..silly…)

I would get jealous whenever daddy bought bro new toys….why I didn’t get one too….then I would end up long gloomy face, and don’t want to face dad….

And dad would tickle my tummy and I laughed…..(no wonder I still scare of tickling..)..these were still freshly imbedded in my mind till this day…..

There was once my mommy had terrible fever, and it had lasted for several days…..i was of course worried….even broke down in tears….she promised me to get better and will treat me ice cream if only I get good grades….(now I know why I hate studying but still strive hard……although it should only work that time, it has somehow become the unbreakable curse….haha….)

They are not highly educated, don’t really have a clue on how to educate me and my bro (that’s why I was like a wild child…..friends were afraid of messing with me…hehe..)……but i have a thought of dying for them if I have to…..(when I was young….maybe it was my “precocious” thinking……)

I’ve changed….who doesn’t?!

Teens….several terms can be related to them: rebellious, stubborn, daring, not obedient all the time, extrovert, curious…..

I did fired back at them sometimes…..

But my affection for them remains the same…….

Hug them if you want to….(don’t think that you’re forced to, just think about it, how long have you not doing that????.....i bet it’s long enough that you have forgotten the warm embracement that they cuddled you in baby clothing…)

p.s. I act cute in front of them sometimes (only them la…no one else..)…..hahahaha…….just to get their attention…..like I used to do it when I was young…..

battle

My aunt moved into my house recently…..it was my idea that she did that….. she did chemotherapy eventually…..after the recommendation of doctor…..

She was injected with toxins, two huge syringes of that!!!! Because she has the final phase of lung cancer……which means the cancer cells have spread to other parts of the body, in her case, to the neck and oesophagus area….

Well……..we were told that she might not make it till this year…….

( )

Errr……I wanted to stop blogging, wanted to leave it blank…..(which made me stared at the computer screen for about half an hour and………but I decided to continue!!!! Argh!!! What’s wrong with you, lynette!!!!!)

Major side effects of chemotherapy:

Dizziness, nausea, hair loss, pain in almost every parts of body, high fever (high body temperature), sometimes trembling, the inflammation of the urethra and anus, cough, menopause (for a short period), sometimes itchiness……….(actually these are all symptoms of low immunity)

Have you figure out why I did that….

At first I was kinda felt uneasy with her presence…..(I know I was contradicting…..but for god’s sake!!!! I want to do something, I think it’s my obligation to do that too!!!!)……but now, after the whole night with her, it’s getting quite okay……

We even bought her a nice mattress to sleep in my room, air conditioned…… this is the best our family can do…….

(hey, she just passed by the screen…..asked me what am I doing….”nothing, its my homework….hey, I play you some nice Chinese songs to chill yourself up”……..she liked them!!!)

The treatment she did this afternoon actually wasn’t a big help at all……there’s only3/10 probability that she will heal….but lung cancer is one of the difficult cases to crack…..and the source of the cancerous cells will not be completely eradicated…..

I’ve seen her medical report, she done surgery of eliminating cancerous cells from her neck earlier, her type of lung cancer is categorized as non-small cell, and to be exact, squamous cell….and she’ll have to do five more chemotherapies………

(she even showed “two thumbs up!!!” listening songs…..haha…..sometimes she got sense of humour…..hope she’ll be in good shape……I’ll keep her optimistic at most time…..finger crossed tightly for her…….)

XOXOXOXOXOXXXXXXXX

Lynette yuan

attention females!!!!!

I’m a frank person, and seriously, I can’t stand it anymore…..

I hate period!! Actually is the PMS things that make me headache…..

Why I should suffer from this?! The twisting and churning of my tummy just enough for me to halt everything I want to do..... well, it isn’t serious now compare to last two years ago.... maybe it was because that I had to cope with the choking examination and tuition schedules, that caused me stress and irregular period.....phewww....glad that was over....

But it relapsed last moth.....(sobbing).....

At first, my tummy got the weird feeling of twisting…..felt like my intestines were all tangled up in many knots…..ouchh!!! then it continued with the stomach cramp…….oohhhhh……and finally I ended up lying in my bed all day long…..(god………lord……..)

(truth is that I can felt my uterus was being ripped off from my vagina…..)

I just curled into the foetus form in my bed, try to soothe myself….i can’t barely moved a bit…..horrible indeed……

Mommy told me that I should consume some nutrients-contained capsules to relieve the pain…..the result will only be seen after several months of intake….and so I did….(‘cause I’m an obedient grrlllll….hehe)

And it worked well, my PMS pain wasn’t so serious anymore…..(I don’t know why it worked so fast for me, it just took a month!!)

For grlllssss out there, try evening primrose capsules!!! They can be found in your nearby drug stores, or just consult professionals to get one…

They can balance up hormones that control PMS and can even beautify your skin.....

It was my fault that I don’t want to reveal my problems to anyone because I thought it was embarrassing….and please don’t make the same mistake as me…..don’t be afraid to ask anything about these, because it’s part of knowledge that every women should know….and I am sharing this to all of you (including guys….what’s wrong? Maybe you can understand what’s your partners or friends go through….)

Browsing through the internet to know more also helps to have a clearer picture about this, but hey!!!! Not the blue websites!!!!! If you want to surf that, then I have nothing to do with that!!!!! I repeat, “I didn’t encourage the improper usage of internet!!!!”

If your pc ever infected by viruses, it’s totally not my fault!!! It’s you who can’t control yourself……haha…

(then you deserve it…..lol!!!)

XD......

i've been hooked up by cosmetics recently ('cause i'm kinda bored....), i know......people do change.....

i used to hate dressing up and put all those powdery stuff on my face...this all changed when my cousin persuaded me....haha....

well, i'm still a newbie in this thing, the pictures are my "bold" attempts to do myself a make-over....(which means i 'm dare to upload them here....)

actually, i consider make up is some knowledge that every girls (or women) should learn.......don't get disgusted by the girly-stuff, well.....that's what girls do......XD.....

turn back the time

i've done some so-called researches on university students' lives, just to prepare myself for the time to come.........god!!! most of them are busy, as usual, so can rarely chat with them online and will have to wait for a very long time for them to reply messages......these tell me that their schedule are full with assignments, tests, quizzes and other activities, so they have to save some time for their leisure activities......(oh gosh...i've feel so much relaxing after the grueling stpm, and now these.....)(sigh).....i know, i know......another hectic life for me again....and some of my seniors told me that it's all depends on how you manage your time (of course, who don't know that anyway..)....they told me to even enjoy it!!!!!!!

yup......enjoy every bit of your 4 or 5 years (for me) of university's life!!!!!!! so that you have something worth remember and rejoice when you entering adult hood (erm...i'm already a woman now...haha...this is like a saying for most people...).......

even in taiwan, they say if you enter university, just play for 4 years!!!!

er......you can't really describe it that way.....last time, i was being so "ignorant" and even asked seniors about that....and they scolded me.....aww man...i was so innocent.....hahaha.....(they replied: play play play, you think what?! other people think that way and you shouldn't ma.....)

=="

this is in the joking matter la....don't misunderstand about that......my seniors are nice and decent fellows!!!! (see, i praised you....)

oh well, in the end, you'll just have to go through this yourself to experience this......

and maybe..............

maybe...............

or just maybe.............

i'll discover some unexpected things in my university life.....

and maybe, i rediscover this blog and have a good laugh about how silly and yet curious i was after 5 years........

p.s.: this is for future lynette yuan, it's the special thought that you have that shape your world.....if there's someone who can't understand you, just do what is best for you and your loved ones......i know you can!!!

by silly old lynette yuan XOXOXXXXXXXXX

infatuation

(typing.....fast.....)（mouse clicking.....)

and suddenly...

*cough* *cough*....okay...continue blogging.....(typing.....)

*cough**cough**cough*...........(drink water).......(continue typing....)

*cough**cough**cough*...(x several times........)

(goodness......when will i gonna stop doing that....)

*cou..............(bang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

huh?!

what......the door opened....(the cricking sound.....'cause it's old, the hinge made the noise)

"mom?! what is it??" i was obviously startled by her emergence into my study room, eyes were wide opened behind my spectacle.....

"honey, i want you to come out right now, stop doin' your surfing or blugging, i mean it, now"

"mom, it's blogging" "okay, whatever is it, just come out from the room.....

(gosh, i was wondering what's with her that time,why does she always have to do something the dramatical way.....ya, i meant it...i always think she's the drama queen in my house...that was my thought last time)

i just came out.....coughing.....and my throat started to hurt.....

*coug.....

a warm yet gentle hands touched my back.....(i looked up by surprise)....she pat me when i was coughing quite seriously while going out.....and huh???!!!

my attention was drawn to the cup on the table, lukewarm jasmine tea prepared just for me......."do you feel any pain in the chest area? if so, i'll prepare some chinese herbal tea tomorrow, be sure you have to drink it or your health get worsen day by day."

"i... er....i... er....okay, i'll promise you." my eyes stick to my mom, and then without hesitation, i drank the tea.

"thanks mom!!!"

okay, continue typing......but i couldn't.....

the sweet smell of the tea lingering in my mouth, the warmth that grasped my heart, those were the ones that control me from continue blogging......

uhhhh.......it's always the body language which express love.....it always touches me........

clearing it up

Local or oversea?? Local or oversea?? Friend #1 said this, friend #2 said that, friend #3 said this and that, friend #4 said either, friend #5 said others, friend #6 said none of the above…..

Ahhhhhhh………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(running around, jumping up and down, toss in the bed left and right, eat this and that just to figure that out….)

Sorry, I didn’t do any of the above, including screaming my lungs out…I wouldn’t do these to entertain you…..i just typed it for fun…..(lol)….besides, it’s not my style…..

Okay, cut the crap out…..i was confusing where to choose….you readers may think: duhh….i know every graduated students have the same problem as you, so what’s the big deal here??

Well, it’s a huge, massive and gigantic issue to me….as I’ve tried to gather as much information about this, there’s more confusion rising…..(sigh)

I was chatting using msn with a senior who study in Singapore, erm….let’s call him Tom (as he reminds me of cats, hey, if you….yes you, my Singapore senior read this, hope you don’t mind me calling you that as i want to protect your identity....hehe…you also know why I’m giving you this nickname)

He said that I should get out of here as soon as possible….it’ll ruin your life if you stay there much longer….well, Tom also admitted that he has some prejudice against this country, but it’s for my own good sake…he told me some “truths” behind a veil that blinded me for believing the country serve people well in many ways…Tom said all the students here only recite what’s on the books or text and then “vomit” them all out in quizzes and exams….and if not mention the ranking of the universities here, they just don’t do much research compare to others and if they do, most of them are diverted from the real cases…. and i would really want to do some research rather than an exam machine, what’s the use of promoting life-long learning in this country if not doing it??!!??…there are also things which I can’t say much here…or I’ll be arrested…which I’m too young for that!!!

And I’ve heeded some advise from others too, not only him…I also not well prepared for being separated from home……………...

Well, some things have decided now…..and I know exactly what to do……