clearing it up

Local or oversea?? Local or oversea?? Friend #1 said this, friend #2 said that, friend #3 said this and that, friend #4 said either, friend #5 said others, friend #6 said none of the above…..

Ahhhhhhh………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

(running around, jumping up and down, toss in the bed left and right, eat this and that just to figure that out….)

Sorry, I didn’t do any of the above, including screaming my lungs out…I wouldn’t do these to entertain you…..i just typed it for fun…..(lol)….besides, it’s not my style…..

Okay, cut the crap out…..i was confusing where to choose….you readers may think: duhh….i know every graduated students have the same problem as you, so what’s the big deal here??

Well, it’s a huge, massive and gigantic issue to me….as I’ve tried to gather as much information about this, there’s more confusion rising…..(sigh)

I was chatting using msn with a senior who study in Singapore, erm….let’s call him Tom (as he reminds me of cats, hey, if you….yes you, my Singapore senior read this, hope you don’t mind me calling you that as i want to protect your identity....hehe…you also know why I’m giving you this nickname)

He said that I should get out of here as soon as possible….it’ll ruin your life if you stay there much longer….well, Tom also admitted that he has some prejudice against this country, but it’s for my own good sake…he told me some “truths” behind a veil that blinded me for believing the country serve people well in many ways…Tom said all the students here only recite what’s on the books or text and then “vomit” them all out in quizzes and exams….and if not mention the ranking of the universities here, they just don’t do much research compare to others and if they do, most of them are diverted from the real cases…. and i would really want to do some research rather than an exam machine, what’s the use of promoting life-long learning in this country if not doing it??!!??…there are also things which I can’t say much here…or I’ll be arrested…which I’m too young for that!!!

And I’ve heeded some advise from others too, not only him…I also not well prepared for being separated from home……………...

Well, some things have decided now…..and I know exactly what to do……

message from within

i was feeling depressed past these few days…..well, due to some family issues that happened to be quite annoying…….they all affected me indirectly…and also directly.…i wanted to “write” blogs last sunday but i could not even move my fingers on the keyboard…….but something quite unusual happened today which changed my outlook…….

Woke up in the morning, about 10a.m. (yes, i like to toss around in my comfortable bed first before get my butt up)……..the golden sun ray shone through the window and it felt warm……i took a deep breath…..just try to forget all those nuisance….and suddenly a thought flashed through my mind…..”hey, lynette, it will gonna be okay, trust me, it will…”….huh?? like there was a voice told me this, it sounded assured, but i’m not that convinced by such simple statement there…..”you don’t even know what i’m facing now, who will ever understand???? Who??? i don’t have anyone to confide now”….(what i mean here is that i don’t wanna trouble anyone as they all busy studying in colleges, working, or maybe doing something that they really enjoy, who am i to ruin everything??? Besides, i don’t want everyone to think that i’m psychotic…you want me to ring them and say: oh, I got two relatives who’s going to *** soon…can you say something to make me feel better….uhh….gee….)

“yes, i may not know the real you, but i know you can go through these harsh times…..”

Frowning………

My goodness…that was the weirdest feeling I ever have in my life…i hope i’m not crazy, or having schizophrenia, or personality disorders…..

And later that afternoon, my mom came home with a name card in her hand, trembling with excitement……rarely see her that way….

“mommy, what are you up to??” “why don’t you take a look at this…..i can see some silver linings now…” replied me, passing that card over to me…..

The card written: mr. woo, specialized in treating cancer, body itch and diabetes, using traditional Chinese method…..

Mom said one of my distant relatives got recovery from uterus cancer a long long time ago after several visits to this 60-year old healer, it will truly work for my aunt…..what can I say more, woa…..haha….chemotherapy for my aunt would be suffering…..and consider the cost of this treatment…..and now, without any side effects, she can have a chance to become her well being again…..healthy…..

Thank god!!!!!!

That voice…..which came out of nowhere……hey, where are you??

Is that true?? When almost all our hopes are gone, when we are desperate, there comes a miracle….haha…i’m not exaggerated here, to me, it’s like a miracle, which happens once in a while….well, which I thought only in movies…..maybe it’s time for me to believe in such “absurd” thing now….

Hello, where are you…hey, come out, i wouldn’t scold you like I did last time…..oohhh….never mind, i’m gonna leave you a message, thanks for being my guidance, i know you just want me to be optimistic in my life, not to worry so much….but you can’t change me in just a day time, but i’ll try my best to do so…..

p.s. I’m perfectly sane….i’ve passed the Rorschach test with excellence….hehe…

Look before you fall............

woke up this morning with swollen eyes......wanna know why??? hehe....last night i was chatting with an old friend of mine.....well, erm...we just suddenly turn out into good friends for some bizarre reasons......i met him at one of leadership programs, which was held at the Ipoh Hill city hotel few years ago......(i hate this kind of stuff, seriously....'cause they thought they say and do all the right things, and like directing the right paths for the "followers"......well, nobody's perfect..and i don't like being directed around.....gee....)..in order to please my parents, i just obey them.....but showed up there in bad mood....like being emo...and then there goes the talking and speech about being filial, responsible, all those moral values...blah blah blah....and then he (well, lets call him "Hansel"...i also don't know why....just the name fits him, not his real name....) passed me a note: "hi! i wonder you have the same thought as me to think they are all bullshit..."

i smiled at him....(well, you can rarely see me do that, not to mention in front of stranger some more..)...i secretly passed back the note: "ya!!! i'm here to meet these jerks in order to please my parents.." and the introduction began.....Hansel is from Ipoh too....but currently studying oversea...(so, we chat using msn......)....we didn't even have each other's cell phone numbers, just email address (which is good for me....scare someone intrude my privacy further).....we chat many things since we met, of course in msn.......sometimes we even confide secrets too......but not as much as towards my closer friends.....

recently, we just got more intimate.....(not erotic feeling like you readers would think...no no...please...haha....in more friendly way..)......Hansel is a real nice guy!!! a real friend who sets friendship as his main priority....(well, as for his girlfriend....that's the special case here....hehe...).......well, you may notice: why am i writing these down.....what's so interesting about this "Hansel" guy?? is just ordinary things happen between both of them.....why lynette would spend time chatting with him?? generally, she don't like chatting....does her work.....or maybe you would think: lynette only approaches attractive people.....she has such big ego that she won't like us...the mediocre.....

well, i don't really get along fast with strangers......you can say i'm quite choosy in befriending someone....so, sorry if i don't talk much...and please don't judge me by my appearance.......maybe you readers should know the kind of feeling that i have.........................being close, but actually not...........being intimate, not romantic..............fond of him.....but not ****......(this is not harsh word....i wanna type it out but just can't......struggling).........i can clearly distinguish my feelings, so don't be suspicious......see...i just mentioned so-called his name 3 times only (the other one time does not count).....

he'll remain as a true friend in my heart........well, his ranking is after my closer girl friends....hehe....

leaving

well.....here it goes...my 1st blog....there's something that i really want to express so much but i can't really do it in front of my family members......(ok, readers, I'll gonna write a sad story....if not sad enough for you readers, then i would not comment about that)...my grandpa's gonna leave.............soon..........it'll be the first time ever in my life that someone's gonna leave me....my grandma (my dad's mom) passed away before i was brought to this world, well, when i recalled about the feelings that she passed away when i was 14, i was emotion-less....but now have to face the circumstance that grandpa is dying, i could just broke down in tears.......(i admitted, tears rolling down my face....the keyboard wet....)....although i wasn't that close to him when he was healthy, i can feel the sudden pain in my heart that someone i loved will be gone...sooner or later.... the same feeling goes to my aunt (dad's younger sister).....she was diagnosed the final phase of lung cancer........it was truly shocking as she didn't show any symptoms before....i really don't wanna accept this truth...it's awful!!!!!!!!!! way beyond my imagination that i may now have to accept two relatives leave before me.......i don't wanna cry in front of my mom and dad.......they were speechless when receiving the 2 shocking news................but afterwards, they pretend there's nothing happen...continue working....doing chores....well, in my heart, i can see through them......they wanna be strong for all of us....me and my brother....and other relatives too....so, i will not shed even a tear in front of them....mom's gonna accept grandpa's leaving.......dad's gonna do the same for my aunt...................all my family members will do the best and support them till the end............no matter what................i'll do my part to cheer things up, at least.........even thought it may not help much in this kind of situation here,but this is all i can do.............it also help strengthen my reasons to become a doctor (well, in the time being...).........i will not forget the kindness in these people.....the joy they brought to all of us.......i also learn to appreciate people around us after all this..........i don't wanna regret afterwards..........to all readers here.........cherish your loved ones........

xoxox............lynette yuan..........