waiting and praying

this is my confession, since i've been here, at this institution for about half a year........

seriously, i don't feel really happy at all...........i was pretending to be that........and i'm tired of it................

yes, i look like a happy-go-lucky person....yes, it seems like i can get along with everybody else.....
but that's just on the outside............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


i'm very sorry for what i'm about to say.........well, this is my blog anyway, actually i don't have to apologize to anyone, but then i still want to express my feeling in a way that no one would get offended and of course to explain all my weird actions that happen recently............



i was extremely sad that i can't find a soul mate, not a lover.......(for god's sake, i'm not that desperate you know.......=.='')..........a friend who will really be there for me, i don't have high expectation like that ideal friend of mine who i longed for need to do my homework or do my laundries when i'm ill, or would lend me money if i'm broke...........haha..........(what was i thinking.......well, actually that would be great if i ever have a friend like this, but pity that so-call ideal friend of mine..........i would not ever take advantage of some one like this....NO WAY................i treat everyone humanely....LOL.......not an object.........)



i would really want a friend who will just sit down and listen to every word that i'm saying.......a friend who can talk heart-to-heart with me...........................................



please be honest with me.........i would believe every thing you say, if you hold truth to that every word of yours...............................as i've met lots of "fakers" here, (well, errrmmmm, like i mentioned earlier, sorry for any harsh words that i typed them out)........not just here, also when i was in secondary school......i really do know how to identify those "fakers"................don't think that i'm naive...........urgh!!!! well, just to tell you guys that don't judge a book by its cover, that's all..............sorry, i was kinda pissed off whenever some one told me that i look like an idiot or stupid.............=.=''''''.............. well, i may not have high IQ, but i think i have good EQ............than most of my course mates here.......(like i said, don't you guys get angry 'cause i've warned you guys that i'm going to be "bossy' in my own blog, well, that's my privilege right?? i want to express my own things in my very own ways...........)





there's lots of weirdo-es (haha....i create my own word too............) here in my course........ after some tears that i've shed (well, no one actually seen it...........hoho............except a dear friend from another college who's ermm....... kinda in the same situation like me, i would say..... i even cried twice in front of her...........)..........................................god, i know it's a shame to cried that much in around 6 months studying here......................................but i'm sorry, i really couldn't stand it...............




well, is my request for a true friend really too much??




you guys would say the friend who've seen me cried who be of my choice, so why bother some more...........??

yes, she is indeed a friend who willing to help out................but we are taking different courses, different colleges, rarely meet...........


there's also one dear friend of mine who are taking pharmacy course at private institution, she's been my best friend since we were form 1..........but she's busy too, there's little time for us to phone up each other and chat..........and besides, my semester break is totally different from other institutions............and minimize the chance to meet up..............




.....................i'm seriously lack of true friendship...............lack of love from friends.......................




i admit that i do feel alone............even now, i am blogging this out at my faculty where the cold wind blown through my arms, the shivering of my arms is trying to stop me from blogging this out, but i persistently type them out....word by word..........................







i really need help........................i really do.................................................................i want a true and long lasting friendship.......... sincerity...........no more lies............no more "masked" people here (i created this word...again...)................no more cheating.................please stop it all.............................. i wanted to tell to everyone how i feel, but i'm scared..............scared of making enemies instead of expressing myself, scared of people get scared of me.................scared of everything bad that could possible happen.............



well, if only some one who would think like me...........can understand my feelings............


i still wait for the very day that some one......anyone, would become my true friend.......who i longed for...............




P.S. don't think i'm too emotional, if you were in my situation, you'll know what i meant and would think alike too...........and i'm blogging this out on 26th Nov 2010, 21.57, just three days prior to my birthday, and i know i would have to wait for very long time for my birthday wish to come true.........and i wouldn't want to celebrate it yet.........i don't intend to............i'm not emo, it's just that there's some part of me have gone...........but i will wait for god to do me some miracles........hehe......but i more like free thinker............

i'm so not your toy.....get it??

Love, love is like a stubborn youth
That you'd rather just deny
I'm walking on a broken roof
While I'm looking at the sky

It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

Love, love hides in a smoky light
And I can never find the truth
Boy, your touches leave me mystified
And I wish I could believe in you

Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

It's all false love and affection
You don't want me
You just like the attention
Yes it's all false love and affection
You don't like me
You just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy



this song......haha......la roux......

XOXOXXXX

lynette yuan

indulgence

i wanna read absalom absalom by william faulkner.........

but nowhere else could find this master piece......in malaysia, of course.....

=='.........how disappointing.......

he's an author who erm......like to depict his gothic nature in his novels......that's what i would describe him......because the story line in that novel is complicated.......well, i understand very well my english level, still not quite satisfy with it..........but somehow i wanna give myself some challenges......by reading it....

when i was young, i disliked reading those thick thick novels....argh......so frustrating when your parents forced you to do so.......i would prefer to goof around my house, or window shopping will do it!!!!!!! but people do change...........at first i was attracted to those motivation-type of books, they acted like brain-washers for me back then.......when i was still studying form 6.......i just can't figure it out......how such "philosophy" felt so captivating for me.......not because i was lazy, maybe it was because i was so lost back then..........without any guidance...

ok......thanks to mr.chandler here......for leading me out of the darkness....(it's seems like i've been traumatised badly when in form 6.....now i don't wanna touch any academic stuffs....temporarily....)

besides that, i love all those lemony snickets' books of tragedies.....haha......series of unfortunate events......where the three childrens of the Boudelairs ( i hope i spelled it right) facing troubles caused by the Count.... (shoot...i forgot the name, because i read it a long time ago...)

don't say i'm a bookworm or even a nerd or pedantic.....

sometimes, reading can be an indulgence.....

bon appetit

went back to my kampung, need to finish those praying rituals to my deceased grandpa.......need to go back for 7 weeks, according to chinese custom of 7/7/49.........(haha.....it's funny to type it out.........) i'm willing to go back, which took about 2 hours ride........

most of the relatives back there also went too.......but lack of spirit........seems like they still bothered by his absence.........

it's not like i really like them, what i mean is that they still mourn......(why don't you just get over it........kinda feel sick when you behave like that........must cheer up!!!!!!! ) so, the atmosphere is sooooooooo dark and gloomy.........haiz.......

after placing joss sticks, it was time for dinner......and what do you expect????? big juicy chicken, thick thick abalone, 佛跳墙 all those luxurious food????????

no!!!!!!!!!! vege!!!!!!!!! all!!!!!!!!! (god, i still wondering how long they gonna torture me......i've been practising that for soooo long )冷笑.......

i wanted to faint......i wanted to order pizza or Mcd or anything else which are not vege..........(*kneeling down and begging*)

and they serve those "totally-freak-me-out" vege.....but they were delicious.......oh my god........oh my heaven......oh my..stinky clothes........oh my odourless contact lens........

oooo....yummmmmmmmyyyyyy..........

i couldn't control myself and asked relatives how to cook them.......and told my mom to jot down.....haha......recipes which worth to pass down from generation to generation....and of course, we enjoyed our meal....chatted like a real big (i mean really big) family......(i know it's impolite to open mouth when eating, but this is exceptional....hehe..)

warmth of a big family.......felt that night.......i think he also felt it too.....

meaningful......

所有的悲伤，总会留下一丝欢乐的线索。
　　所有的遗憾，总会留下一处完美的角落。
　　我在冰封的深海，找寻希望的缺口。
　　却在午夜惊醒时，蓦然瞥见绝美的月光。

i found this in some website.........

just to share with you..........

为什么我们在努力的行走，前方却越来越黑暗，我们要去向哪里？即使是世界上最黑暗的角落，也有愿意照耀着你的星星，带你找到前方的路。

^3^

lynette yuan

gomen nasai..........

oh my.......i've just read some of my older posts and there's a lot of mistakes........

i mean a lot..........

okay, my english is still not very good.......so, if you, readers found any of them, just forgive me....

and pat me on my head, and say: good girl.....i'll treat you sweets if you do better....

oh yeah....i certainly will!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxxxxxxxx lynette yuan *wink*

touching.............

i'm not so into korean drama.....

until now.....under influence of my cousin.....hehe....

a millionaire's first love

awww.........it's so lovely......

and song: gray noise by yeongene is beautiful............