waiting and praying

this is my confession, since i've been here, at this institution for about half a year........

seriously, i don't feel really happy at all...........i was pretending to be that........and i'm tired of it................

yes, i look like a happy-go-lucky person....yes, it seems like i can get along with everybody else.....
but that's just on the outside............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


i'm very sorry for what i'm about to say.........well, this is my blog anyway, actually i don't have to apologize to anyone, but then i still want to express my feeling in a way that no one would get offended and of course to explain all my weird actions that happen recently............



i was extremely sad that i can't find a soul mate, not a lover.......(for god's sake, i'm not that desperate you know.......=.='')..........a friend who will really be there for me, i don't have high expectation like that ideal friend of mine who i longed for need to do my homework or do my laundries when i'm ill, or would lend me money if i'm broke...........haha..........(what was i thinking.......well, actually that would be great if i ever have a friend like this, but pity that so-call ideal friend of mine..........i would not ever take advantage of some one like this....NO WAY................i treat everyone humanely....LOL.......not an object.........)



i would really want a friend who will just sit down and listen to every word that i'm saying.......a friend who can talk heart-to-heart with me...........................................



please be honest with me.........i would believe every thing you say, if you hold truth to that every word of yours...............................as i've met lots of "fakers" here, (well, errrmmmm, like i mentioned earlier, sorry for any harsh words that i typed them out)........not just here, also when i was in secondary school......i really do know how to identify those "fakers"................don't think that i'm naive...........urgh!!!! well, just to tell you guys that don't judge a book by its cover, that's all..............sorry, i was kinda pissed off whenever some one told me that i look like an idiot or stupid.............=.=''''''.............. well, i may not have high IQ, but i think i have good EQ............than most of my course mates here.......(like i said, don't you guys get angry 'cause i've warned you guys that i'm going to be "bossy' in my own blog, well, that's my privilege right?? i want to express my own things in my very own ways...........)





there's lots of weirdo-es (haha....i create my own word too............) here in my course........ after some tears that i've shed (well, no one actually seen it...........hoho............except a dear friend from another college who's ermm....... kinda in the same situation like me, i would say..... i even cried twice in front of her...........)..........................................god, i know it's a shame to cried that much in around 6 months studying here......................................but i'm sorry, i really couldn't stand it...............




well, is my request for a true friend really too much??




you guys would say the friend who've seen me cried who be of my choice, so why bother some more...........??

yes, she is indeed a friend who willing to help out................but we are taking different courses, different colleges, rarely meet...........


there's also one dear friend of mine who are taking pharmacy course at private institution, she's been my best friend since we were form 1..........but she's busy too, there's little time for us to phone up each other and chat..........and besides, my semester break is totally different from other institutions............and minimize the chance to meet up..............




.....................i'm seriously lack of true friendship...............lack of love from friends.......................




i admit that i do feel alone............even now, i am blogging this out at my faculty where the cold wind blown through my arms, the shivering of my arms is trying to stop me from blogging this out, but i persistently type them out....word by word..........................







i really need help........................i really do.................................................................i want a true and long lasting friendship.......... sincerity...........no more lies............no more "masked" people here (i created this word...again...)................no more cheating.................please stop it all.............................. i wanted to tell to everyone how i feel, but i'm scared..............scared of making enemies instead of expressing myself, scared of people get scared of me.................scared of everything bad that could possible happen.............



well, if only some one who would think like me...........can understand my feelings............


i still wait for the very day that some one......anyone, would become my true friend.......who i longed for...............




P.S. don't think i'm too emotional, if you were in my situation, you'll know what i meant and would think alike too...........and i'm blogging this out on 26th Nov 2010, 21.57, just three days prior to my birthday, and i know i would have to wait for very long time for my birthday wish to come true.........and i wouldn't want to celebrate it yet.........i don't intend to............i'm not emo, it's just that there's some part of me have gone...........but i will wait for god to do me some miracles........hehe......but i more like free thinker............